CARTER

I found out I let the cats go while they were being the life of the party but then I learned she’s letting her cats go too why for sure in hesitation there’s guilt until it’s shared then it dissipates like in a rearview mirror it’s how I saw him last and how many does that make we had four we lost four all in different ways with different stories and I don’t think we’ll make it to nine but even if we do I can be confident in what will happen just like I have faith in how it will happen the misplacement of time and context what makes you confident what makes you want to come and never leave the beauty of this in your type in all the billions on the planet how that even shifts in time and experience how that connects conflicts and complements with another type in their shift of mood and experience how what’s good about it is nobody’s wrong you can be proud of your purpose just as another can be proud of theirs but I was being bad when I let those cats go I was mad with confidence even when I didn’t know but that’s how I saw him last the one I loved most maybe because of all the others before but he just shrank in the distance as I went two blocks then three then I saw him slink to the right off the road and how can I be confident in what will happen when I let them go in anger when they wouldn’t leave even when I thought they were gone but then I would come out in the morning and see a tail scramble up beneath my car and when I popped my hood there they were scrunched atop the engine and I got them out once but I didn’t know what to do what was I supposed to do pop the hood every time I wanted to go somewhere in case a cat was there ready to screw up the works so Sperm the white one I guess he just finally ran off but Hemi the orange tabby the one I loved the most maybe because I named him Hemorrhoid knowing I would have to let him go even when he came to me he would come to me not like the other cats when I called to him and so it was sad seeing him shrink in the rearview mirror because all I did is drive across town and on a small residential street I dropped him outside my driver’s side window no goodbyes I couldn’t stop I was afraid he would crawl up in my car and that’s how I saw him last so how can I can be confident in what will happen while at the same time feel good in how it will happen is this an individuation or a differentiation an abraxas because we can’t help it we can’t help but ask who’s the greatest and look beyond good and evil… ah hell—it’s just a cat anyway. They’re meant to survive on their own in towns like this. And really they’re a dirty animal I don’t see much mystical about them at all…

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