MARY JANE:

I pee when I laugh and start to cough…

ELECTRA (2015):

… and he wrote the only company I have is my farts I think even his father knew it in what he didn’t desire even though tears would stain his face his arms raised at church and he said it in the estate sale his father’s words the church is a hospital for listen to their opening prayers intoned in loneliness desperation heartbreak while in the same rhythm promising those comfortable those doing alright God promises even more because sometimes you get happy and there’s nothing else to do but he believed he was raised Pentecostal and even though Vietnam changed him disgusted him in what we call our peace our freedom he still believed and I remember just as he remembers the time my mother anointed him with oil his back hurt after his nephew Lonnie’s son spanked the ass of a mule they pressured him to ride how it bucked threw him off how they laughed but my mother when we came to Carbondale anointed it with oil and prayed in the spirit and he believed he jumped and shouted clapped his hands in praise jogging on his feet but he knew even when the tears stained his face man manipulates God motivates…

ELECTRA (1960):

… what is love if not wondering the person you love strong enough even when you do not love them because you’re afraid of something else…

CARTER:

You told me once that you had to love yourself… It’s good advice as you watch the angle of the light whether it be sun or moon merely reflections of the sun distant stars because in these same memories there are more wrapped and enfolded entwined in such a way it’s hard to separate fact from feelings because yes I remember when that mule bucked my father but I also remember when he picked me up at the airport after officer basic training and told me Brian was dead Lonnie’s other son a handsome kid he was a few years older than me I used to marvel how he could run down the gravel roads barefoot how he could climb trees I remember the sounds the pigs made as I watched him feed them one of his chores but when I came back from basic he was dead a blood clot traveled to his brain from a bruise on his calf playing soccer they found him soaking in the bathtub… and so we sit at a table and it is a game it always was a game we can’t see it any other way and now I see how I could shine on paper in the written tests teachers used to give me but I lacked confidence face to face my embarrassing naiveté in friendships courtships and business the fear the distrust the dark shadows of guilt and disproval for why as they say did I hide behind my mother around people I didn’t know when I was young was it the same fear she had instilled witnessing her grandfather die did I follow these same whims of anxiety and depression for she says now she was not delivered from that spirit of fear until after I was born and I believe strongly in the vibes the aura of your parents in your early years I’ve seen it in our children and I don’t want them to have the incessant feeling that I had that I somehow wasn’t good enough vague ambiguous memories of my mother standing behind my father saying he needs three spanks of the paddle my father hesitant but not with his tongue for as she remembers it now her unsavory role as disciplinarian he did not want to hit me because he was scared he was afraid of what he would feel what we all feel when we hit but he had the memories of his father and his step-father beating him… he did not know how could he know his words caused much sharper pains than the swings of that hand-fashioned paddle…

Advertisements