and then you remind me

it’s a story really. that’s all it is–the same psyche… the setting can change. the characters. but the same story plays out. like those movies you like to watch–be it sci-fi western action adventure or a romantic comedy–same story. whether it’s a tragedy or comedy is whether you’re free. it’s tragic to be free. fate has a funny way of working itself out. but either way it’s the same story–one girl one boy some grief some joy. and really we’re all a mess and even if the Bible ain’t real and the world won’t explode and we’re all just batteries for a machine or somebody else’s dream–whatever the setting whatever the character–same story. A fall a sacrifice and redemption… whatever the mind may be–that’s what it is. that’s the story we always come up with. it’s tragic if it ain’t whatever your god intended when you have to assume that role yourself and take responsibility for your choices. it’s a comedy when no matter how hard you try and all the silly dumb things you do contrary to what’s intended it still happens as it should… in many ways your dad is a comedian. i have a hard time believing i’m in control of my life

and when we got to the edge of the clearing you wanted to go on but I said let’s go back and I took your picture by it–standing on its head you almost don’t even see it–the stone face

but really if i could be anything maybe i’d be a buddhist. can’t be a jew because i’m not good with money. islam is too strict. don’t want to be a hindu cause i like cows. but buddhists, well–i like the whole existence is suffering thing caused by desire. the ego death. then i had children then i had you. the whole selfless act doesn’t work so well with teenagers. it just becomes take take take and it’s never enough. worse thing is they lose all respect for you. you don’t really have an identity to them. your just mom or dad–the person with the money. and really it’s same with all America in this day and age. you gotta walk the line of helping the people that really need help or really just being walked all over. an easy mark. a coward really. at least to their minds that’s how they see it… maybe in old age–that’s when i’ll be a buddhist again. kinda fits the whole cycle of life thing anyway…

but that’s not the story

no. it isn’t. it’s an error to confuse motive with action. to see them as separate things. that one causes the other. all is necessary. all is good.

I had seen the news article. It was only when George came to see me out on the golf course with that lid of Amnesia Haze from Amsterdam that I put two and two together. Of course by then you’d already told me you were dealing. You told me when we were up on Stone Face. don’t worry baby i won’t get caught it’s all safe you’ll see and i can take an oz George gets off of Silk Road and split it into dime bags and make a fortune. then you talked me into giving you a blowjob as you stood there on the bluff the pasture behind us but I didn’t mind you didn’t have to talk too hard because like I said I was on my period and I was horny… anyway when I saw her picture in the news-his girlfriend George’s–for shooting his pit bull I just knew there was gonna be trouble but at the same time I didn’t care really. I knew it probably stemmed from something he put on the darknet. some blog post Mason told me about–The Tale of Two Cats. i didn’t care because it was interesting. it’s the silly shit you remember anyway…

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