and yes by God goddammit I should know the truth by now or at least my semblance of truth what I call the truth and live by it because talk of Jesus God the devil enlightenment don’t really matter much day by day your religion your philosophy like getting up in the morning and picking up your kids from school and drugs alcohol the pills you take prescribed by a doctor you need to trivialize their importance it don’t change inspiration much just what you do for a few hours while you wait to do something else just the running around in thoughts and fears to make you feel young again cause we all stand in line sometimes and better when there ain’t no talkin’ everything quiet like a sedated peace and even if you totally fuck up it’s just today and there’s always tomorrow for the sermon on Sunday might put you to sleep or touch all the open unguarded things you bring to the feet of your Lord then there’s still Monday morning and all the things you need to do on Mondays even the things you don’t have to do and you say: is it the dream that’s died?

and what is the dream what was there what you see recalled in a newborn’s eyes then one two three four the words taking over the dream the rules of words that grammar to make your mouth talk pretty one day the secrets you knew forgotten the secrets of the world unfolding into the not-secrets of he is my father she is my mother and they have names they had dreams and then I was born and they try yes they try they tell me all about my world the world they have made what was made for them and they tell me I will be a slave to money too as they buy me the things I need the things I want when before I could just cry and a breast would appear and I could shit myself and be happy I had wisdom but now I will have knowledge that wants the wisdom back again so that someday eighty years from now before death catches up with me I will learn to laugh at myself again and what is a dream if it makes me sad for in this dream I am either this or that if what the dream is is to happen and if I die before I wake for this other dream to be born shall I let it be let it be for me to talk pretty one day?

So you tried to kill yourself and became a writer?
Yes Matthew Malachi says
And then that identity put everything else in shadows even love?
Yes—daily love
And then now you said you said what?
Time is money

and I am now for what I will be for that is a greater length of time than time which is now even if unhappy unfulfilled for I see the dream that no one else sees something more than just mere existence… a dream where one day you will share in my reality

And your children?
I love them
And your books?
I love them too
Yes but which one? Which one will love you back?

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