and I forgive and I do not. like love it is a form of prejudice. but if’n you a christian you ain’t never s’posed to learn that lesson I guess–seventy times seven… I loved him yes that I did but fool me twice shame on me–I ain’t gettin’ burned agin–even nigh near death by God I’ll be stubborn ’bout that ’til Jacob’s ladder comin’ down from heaven and up my spine to the temple of my mind I still says I shall not be as God… but I says it silent like–Yes the most talk about you is when all is silent. like how my family comes to visit and the talk is brief and polite like how Dulcy just keeps her hand movin’ with that fan but her mouth don’t move at all only her eyes tell me–you don’t know what to say to someone to their face when you speak your truth ’bout them where their ears can’t hear. and we all know the truth when we hear it. it’s utterly simple… God uses all things to His good I reckon even when our hearts are far from Him even when we hold our lips from deceit and turn away from anger but in private in our confidences we are far different as if we don’t know that all things will be brought to the light–I still love him and I hate him–it is as easy as that a precious balance in me how yet when I cling to the good there are things I easily forgive in myself that I can’t forgive in others. a matter of trust really. you don’t trust you don’t forgive. it’s just in this world if you trust too easily you give up some of your smarts and you can be damn hurt by it. so hurt sometimes you don’t think you can ever trust again… I guess I just don’t care now. as I lay dyin’ I just don’t care as much. but when I say I don’t judge I judge. for as I am now I don’t want to be around it–negativity–negative people. and what you don’t want is what you go lookin’ for (ain’t that a kick in the head!) your wish-fulfillment. for if I say I don’t trust that man what I want out of ’em is what I get–thoughts are your reality when you’re dead I guess–dead to your own desires. people’s only as good as you let them be as the world lets them be and your mind is your world. with all these years you’d think I’d get my mind right to that but with age all that comes is exhaustion and you’re never too old to be afraid. maybe I can’t forgive him because I can’t forgive me. I can’t forgive myself for letting him hurt me. you’re never too old for pride neither. even as the last vestiges of dignity are taken from you. even as my voice is gone and all you have is this here what we cry out to God in our sorrows and afflictions asking Him to be just and save us from those who would rejoice in it when all the time they’re doing the same what I want and what you want in the end not what we want at all and all of this somehow God’s plan… He will let us sin so as we don’t sin more–Yes our sin our stumbling block our humility less’n we fall into the greater sin of Pride and adorn ourselves with all our human potential and until that day Lord when we will be like unto Your image partaking of that Tree of Life along that river of Time all our words and the books that contain them mere vessels of our immortality… just flowing just flowing along with it… and until that day until my last breath I guess that’s all I can say all I can say is Praise God… Praise God

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