and she said: “Come and see…” and I saw. And not the meaninglessness of pain. All the evil and abuses I had already seen in my short meaning of life what I was exposed to and predisposed to have empathy for I saw in me before I ever witnessed it in the world. It was in me for me to recognize and not say “What is this?” but “Why has it come?” And she said: “You already know. You knew in your mother’s womb the meaning of pain in the brother that did not live so that he came first and so that you as second could cry, ‘I will so that you will not!’ And by your will you introduced the pain what was in the blood of your grandfathers the sons of slaves and so how can you not know pain for it is like a hunger shared with a dog and so then you say, ‘I will not!’ to what has already been willed and this is what is attributed to your generation and the generations to come–the meaning, the meaning of one number after another…” And so I knew the evil didn’t come to me for it came from within despite how I wanted to recognize it as a stranger as something foreign to me and my question of What is this? was the same as saying Who am I? for the same man that shares a bone with a dog is also capable of hurting what can’t hurt you back. And I knew. And I saw. The want of surprise. The meaninglessness of pleasure and I said to myself I will so I will have. But what I have is not what I want and having what I want the only pain that is real. For if I say: I only need this and then and then… the futility. And I knew in these words I was no better than the dog which is my boon companion and I can only share in his bone. And so I remembered. I recalled the kiss which I instigated. The kiss between cousins between my sister Dulcinea and Aaron and how wished after to banish the girls from our tree and what this made me feel when later my father handed me my first guitar and I said again: I will not! The cry the sound “I am lonely! I am lonely!” And she said:

–Come and see… And I saw. And I said
–I don’t know how to love! I don’t know how to love! And she said
–In giving there is pleasure… but that is not why you give.
–Yes but how? How? And she said
–You is a fool! Give the dog a bone, boy… Go on! Go on now and kiss the girl! And I said
–Yes, but my old man… And she said
–You just don’t know what it feels like but I’s gonna tells you what it feels like. It feels like… home.

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